There are many pressing issues within the evangelical UK church, not to speak of the challenges ‘out there’ in the wider culture, both of which are beyond this article’s scope. So too are ‘deep dives’ into these vast subject areas. Hopefully, though, this article can help to shift the narrative especially within the Church by encouraging a different mindset and offering a fresh, positive perspective.
My organisation, the Marriage, Sex and Culture Group, London (MSC), tracks the impact of the wider pan-sexual revolution, with focus on the moral, spiritual, psychological and sexual development of the young, and we are deeply concerned.
The MSC is not a player in the evangelical galaxy and thus has a freedom to go where others will not or cannot go. We are continually putting out feelers: ‘What is going on in and around you and your family, church or network and what is your assessment of it? Please be honest!’
There is no silver bullet, and sometimes it is a case of ‘horses for courses’ or doing the best one can, but from feedback from ‘the real world’ and wider research, some strategies appear to be far more effective than others in reframing the debate and getting on the front foot.
In terms of wider societal trends, we recently received the encouraging verdict on the fate of ex-gay, newly-engaged Matthew Grech after three years and 17 court appearances in Malta. Sadly, this positive, powerful voice is often ignored, marginalised or caricatured by UK evangelical leaders, though thankfully this is changing. The ex-gay narrative is a good example of moving beyond Just Say No.
Marinating British kids in sex
Over the years, Christian, family and child protection organisations, political parties and research groups have operated a much-needed whistleblowing enterprise, publishing reams of evidence about RSE (Relationships and Sex Education)/LGBTQ+ curricula which evangelical teachers would teach and evangelical youngsters would be taught.
To be fair, some RSE is satisfactory, even good, just as some CSE (Comprehensive Sex Education) can be good, though to a lesser extent. CSE resources like those on Twinkl are ‘used by most primary schools in the UK’ and embedded across the entire curriculum for 3s-18s. Sadly, valuable advice on issues like road safety and healthy eating appear cheek by jowl with a tacit eroticisation of same-sex friendship, Pride and LGBTQ promotion.
Over a dozen external independent CSE resource providers are now in countless schools, from Twinkl and Jigsaw to Sex Education Forum, School of Sexuality Education and Brook.
According to the Safe Schools Alliance, worried parents and teachers are emailing them directly. Moreover, it claims ‘three quarters of British children had been exposed to some kind of critical social theory (including gender identity)’.
Brave accounts of parental resistance have emerged, and entities such as Christian Concern are at the forefront of other positive pushback (CC’s Education Revolution Conference is 25th April), but the bleak overall reality remains.
Another factor here is the presence of increasingly violent, misogynist porn (though there is an encouraging awareness of the depths of the problem and strategic responses). According to research for 2022/3 cited by Fight the New Drug, ‘Most kids today are exposed to porn by age 13, with 75% of males and 70% of females ages 13-17 having viewed porn.’ According to more recent data from Culture Reframed, one out of three see hard core porn by the age of 12.
What has become mandatory, though, is RSE, and many secondary school versions are CSE, featuring pan sexual elements, ‘soft’ porn and sex tips for hetero and LGBTQ-identified youngsters under and over the age of consent (which is 16 at present).
An external CSE provider, Bishuk.com - 'for everyone over 14’ - offers concrete examples. Its British author claims thousands of young people read the site each day. Read, cringe and weep.
Tragically, youngsters have been and are being sexualised, as indicated by both sex abuse and sexual debut statistics. Rates of child-on-child sex abuse are worrying, accounting for ‘around a third’ of all child sexual abuse cases, according to the NSPCC.
Even more telling is the fact that Parent Power noted that in 2011 ‘the number of reported incidents of child-on-child sexual assault and abuse was miniscule’, so what changed? Two obvious candidates are now-ubiquitous porn and compulsory RSE.
In terms of average age of sexual debut, in Britain it is is reported to be 16. Other research confirms this time framework (see here and here).
One mum shared with us how ‘sex on the brain’ impacts her 10-year-old daughter’s CofE primary school classroom. Breezy banter and laughter about erections, ejaculations and sex acts is common, while the teacher, a partnered lesbian ‘missionary’, is successfully undermining heterosexual norms. This mum is close to despair. Her church does nothing.
We are also hearing of increasing numbers of young people who won’t, don’t or can’t ‘Just Say No’, and this in committed, Bible-believing networks. Thankfully some appear untouched by the propaganda at present, but will it last?
After much trawling, I failed to locate statistics on the sexual norms and mores of UK evangelical youngsters. For slightly dated US research, see ‘What’s happening to young evangelical women? Tracking an alarming rise in lesbian and bisexual relationships’, and the 2019 ‘Current Sexual Practices of Evangelical Teens and Young Adults’.
The zeitgeist has tacitly or overtly groomed them over the years for coitus ‘when you feel ready’ by foregrounding and magnifying the alleged pleasures of all kinds of sexual ‘exploration’ while whitewashing its downsides and embedding it in youth culture.
Whatever happened to ‘flee fornication’? Whatever happened to ‘sex only in marriage’? For many evangelical youngsters, both have gone the way of the dodo bird.
In terms of the wider culture, as lesbian activist Patricia Warren reminds us, ‘Whoever captures the kids controls the future.’ Sadly, activists have largely won the day up to now.
Which leads us to …
In regards to two spheres, CSE and the arguably related loss of a biblical sex ethic, where are the Christian leaders?
Unfortunately, the attempts by whistleblowers of CSE to gain leaders’ attention have been only moderately successful. Given the seriousness of what is at stake, the historic evangelical investment in Christian education and the formation of the young, and Christ’s warnings to those who cause little ones to stumble (Matthew 18), this absence, this silence, is striking.
From our research and feedback, there are many and very diverse reasons why leaders sit these two out. And to be fair, some leaders engage well, and full marks, and some schools’ RSE is fairly decent.
Moreover, we know Christian leadership has never been more exhausting or onerous, but what is happening to increasing numbers of our young - their young - appalls.
They are MIA (Missing in Action) and here are some reasons why
One factor for this phenomenon is articulated by former lesbian English professor Rosaria Butterfield in her classic autobiography, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert.
One: lack of awareness
There is inaccurate understanding of the current beliefs and practices of the young who attend their Sunday schools and youth groups, leading to unwarranted optimism, naivety and complacency.
Rosaria explains why she regularly opened her home, fed and chatted with members of her university’s queer community: 'This [informal gathering] is important for professors and pastors alike to do, since both jobs put you out of reach from the very people you think that you know.'
A related phenomenon is the tacit deployment of DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), a form of conflict avoidance which enables easier engagement by ignoring the elephant in the room.
Sadly, our efforts to relay worrying feedback are mostly rejected.
Two: no room at the inn a.k.a. in the sermon series
Biblical/theological/spiritual content is prioritised, as is the idea of the ‘keep the main thing the main thing’ Gospel focus - and fair enough. However, the packed programmes, series, projects and courses, all good in themselves, are failures here, but even worse, leaders appear oblivious of it.
Three: It’s above my pay grade
These leaders choose to leave ‘all that’ to the Holy Spirit, whose job it is to convict. However, this same approach - ‘Let God do the teaching!’ - is not deployed elsewhere. Hmmmm …
Others do not believe engaging in these issues is their job; they are called to ‘preach the Gospel’, end of, move on.
Yet others insist that as such teaching is against the law (as they understand the law), this content has been misrepresented. Surely things are not that bad! Their incredulity inhibits accurate assessment.
Four: the misappropriation of Philippians 4:8.
In this verse, Paul tells us, ‘Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.’
I was speaking on CSE at a Christian conference when I was banned from showing CSE resources to the adult audience because they were deemed ‘dirty’ and ‘sinful’. Of course they were, but that misses the point, which is that obscene content is being embedded in our - their - youngsters’ psycho-sexual, moral and spiritual formation. Their response: shoot the messenger, metaphorically speaking. Their ‘purity’ is more important. A key reason for the success of CSE is that most are clueless as to its actual sexual content.
Five: in a bind.
These leaders feel it’s a no-win situation. These minefields require significant amounts of time and research to untangle, and they lack both. Also, they realise some of their own are ‘in transit’ (into Progressivism) or may actually teach and promote CSE programmes. Focus there could lead to civil war.
Others will not call these issues out because they think their own have a hard enough time as it is, and they fear making things worse. It is yet more bad news, and there is already plenty of that around.
Six: who wants the reputation of a nasty neanderthal, a ‘naysayer’?
Historically, conservative Christianity has received a very negative press in certain quarters: we are the sour, hypocritical, sexually-repressed lot who rain on other people’s parades. We can’t do what we would like, so no one else should be able to, either, or so the thinking goes. CSE is sold as ‘little bits of happy, naughty fun’ which an uptight, kill-joy God frowns on. Leaders feel like they cannot win and stop trying.
20th century American journalist, HL Mencken, once quipped: ‘Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.’ Though a caricature, it has proved influential.
Moving beyond Just Say No
Regardless of rationale, silent leaders fail to see that ‘not saying anything says that nothing should be said’. The despairing mum above (and many others like her) is left totally unsupported. We believe there is a more effective way of engaging, however, which involves moving beyond Just Say No. It is positive, inclusive, compassionate and research-based, and has never been more needed. If leaders cannot do the necessaries, they should let others who can.
Specific strategies for pushback, reclamation and restoration
There are five steps in this process, and here I will speak directly to leaders. You may read below and it may leave you cold, and fair enough. Thank you for making it this far!
However, if nothing else, please do the first - discover what is really going on with your youngsters. If they are (honestly) ‘fine’, great, you can let me know I am wrong - and what welcome news that would be!
But now to the strategies.
One: Go through the pain barriers and do the research: Ask, don’t tell.
Few if any willingly ‘go there, due to the ‘ick’ or ‘too embarrassing’ factors, and/or the points mentioned above. Realising it is necessary to breach pain barriers is vital.
Once on the other side, however, you need to ask your young (anonymously) what they think, believe and why, and what kinds of sex are they getting up to (for older ones). You want to know because otherwise you cannot give them the wherewithal they need to remain or return to ‘being good’.
Perhaps nothing will ‘do the trick’ but we believe this approach can be hugely benefit for at least some.
Two: Discover what they are being taught in their RSE/CSE.
Do your homework. Many of our young know the talking points by heart: do you realise this? If our pushback only consists in what we believe and why, our kids are left vulnerable to highly contentious claims and obscene sex tips.
Shonagh Dillon writes from a secular libertarian vantage in The Critic: “Never did I think I would be explaining to my children’s teacher why I was concerned about a Relationship and Sex Education (RSE) organisation [which remained nameless] that promotes the use of butt plugs whilst simultaneously proclaiming that “virginity benefits no one” being brought into the classroom — but welcome to 2022 … Scrolling down their Instagram page, I discovered that the organisation which would be running sessions with my 11-year-old daughter was promoting “world hand job day”.'
Another example, this time from Bishuk.com. It targets all youngsters who are now seen as potentially ‘queer’ and thus in need of tips on a wide range of sex, including analingus or ‘rimjobs’. Kids are advised to take ‘a shower or [have] a quick wash’.
Three: do the psychology.
We saw an example of this above, in our discussion of fears around being tarred as nasty neanderthals. Who wants that? Progressives constantly (and fraudulently) claim the moral high ground of radical inclusion, fairness, kindness and care - catnip to youngsters with a keen sense of justice and desire to protect the underdog. Given the set-up, is it a wonder who wins?
You need to demonstrate why these claims are propaganda. I run a seminar exposing two strategic claims, the first being the idea that Stonewall includes all people (no, it doesn’t) and CSE promotes healthy sex (again, no, it doesn’t). This content, a secular apologetic, really, is mostly unknown in the UK.
Sadly, at least some of you do not seem aware these ‘clobber claims’ are eroding, even dissolving, your kids’ Christian sex ethic. Though these claims may not unsettle you, given their high CSE profile, activists see it differently. Again, please do the research!
Four: expose the negative impact of CSE.
There are several aspects to consider, other than publicising appalling CSE being taught to your young. For younger ones, think child development.
Children are wet cement and what falls on them leaves a permanent impression, unlike the situation with adolescents and even less with adults.
According to RSE Review, ‘Exposing children to explicit sexual images and instruction before they have the cognition to understand the context, makes indelible imprints on their brain patterns, lowers their natural inhibition and exposes them to abuse and possibly grooming.’
CSE presents sexual development as detached from the child’s family and tacitly connects it with non-familial adults - strangers. This leaves children vulnerable to being groomed by paedophiles.
Also, CSE, with its explicit sexual content, eroticises child development. They are not taught about sex; they are taught sex (as noted above). Graphic images imprinted on their minds stay with them their whole life.
Finally, CSE homosexually eroticises vital heterosexual same-sex affection and bonding. ‘Gays love their same-sex best friends. I love my same-sex best friend, so am I gay?’
Children have important developmental tasks to master, and many struggle with the basics of literacy and numeracy. Why this focus on (only certain) anatomical body parts and ‘relationships’?
In terms of adolescents, statistics from the US indicate teens pay the price now and later for sex.
Unintended likely consequences include but are not limited to an STI diagnosis (and there are now 30+ STIs); pregnancy; negative psychological, mental and physical outcomes; exposure to violence and other high-risk behaviours; lower educational attainment; greater likelihood of divorce and poverty, etc.
See also the US CDC’s premier research, the Youth Risk Behaviour Surveillance System (2023), on sexually-active teens’ well-being vis-à-vis that of virgins: poorer emotional health - sad and hopeless feelings; suicide ideation, planning and actual suicide attempts; early sexual debut; multiple (4+) partners; being tested for STDs; exposure to physical and sexual dating violence, etc.
Though in a US setting, there would be at least some transference here. It makes for grim reading, especially the negative consequences for sexual minority youngsters. As Miriam Grossman puts it in her 2009 book, You’re Teaching My Child What?, our kids are being taught they can safely play with fire, while the offices of doctors and therapists are filled with those who have been burned, inside and out.
Five: Promote the real, the good, the honest - smart sex.
Youngsters need the best RSE available, which is one reason CSE appalls. It is neither comprehensive, nor pedagogically adequate, nor even well-informed on the actual sex fronts!
Though only a start, what youngsters need to know includes the following points.
A. Sex is big! Contrary to what they learn in CSE, one sex act gone wrong can be a game-changer for life for the worse. CSE minimises and infantilises sex (sex ‘play’, ‘toys’ etc), as it is an easier, softer, less threatening sell.
B. Sex is fab - CSE got that right! Christians believe God thought up our bodies, with their bits and pieces, with the end game of ecstatic union (within marriage): orgasms are his idea. Do your kids know this? Do you really know this?
C. Sex is fire. There are huge downsides (mostly minimised or ignored) for all sexually-active teens as seen in Four above, but who will say this in public?
D. Porn sex (viewing erotic content and then ‘solo sex’ for release). It is deeply problematic, and often the gateway to actual sex. See Gary McFarlane’s ‘Love, porn and sex addiction’.
E. Sex is glue. Promiscuous sex damages the vital bonding process with results which can last into adulthood. See Joe McIlhaney Jr’s book Hooked: New science on how casual sex is affecting our children.
F. Sex is often addictive for teens, because as one expert puts it, ‘As [the teen] brain is under construction and nerve pathways are forming, adolescents become addicted more easily’.
G. Orifice (oral, vaginal, anal) equality is a myth. Heavily-promoted anal sex is high-risk due to factors of anatomy, physiology, histology, pH, lubrication, location and pathogens in stool, among other things.
Even the Guardian warns of serious consequences (for females): ‘Incontinence, bleeding and STIs among consequences [of RAI - Receptive Anal Intercourse]’, according to two surgeons. However, what about gay lads and men? According to Bustle, negative side effects include ‘tears In your b*tthole’; the ‘highest risk of STIs’; links to anal cancer; greater prevalence of infections like E coli, and incontinence.
It is not surprising that MSMs (sexually-active gay men) comprise a small population but have high rates of disease (for instance, syphilis, gonorrhoea and HIV).
H. Sex is different for females and males. ‘The average male has 10 to 20 times more testosterone than the average female,’ says Dr Joe Malone in The Battles of the Sexes. According to Dr Malone, there are very real differences between adult males and females on the anatomical, biochemical and emotional levels. He says, ‘Cutting-edge science informs us of brain nuclei sex differences; profound hormonal differences; sexual developmental differences; and relationship preference differences, among others.’
I. Condoms do not automatically offer safe or even safer sex. Regarding STIs, ‘The transmission of some STIs is very difficult to prevent, even if you have safer sex, so sexually active people should go for a check-up about every six months.’ This from LGBT Hero, a/the leading UK health site for the LGBTQ.
In terms of pregnancy, typical use is 87% effective, with the final 13% likely to get pregnant even ‘with’ the condom.
J. Teens are not mini-adults. The teen PFC (the brain’s executive function which reasons, plans, delays gratification etc) is still maturing, unlike the limbic system, the brain’s emotional/reward/pleasure centre. Associated with the latter is novelty-seeking and risk-taking, which in turn contribute to high rates of teen traffic fatalities.
Given these vulnerabilities, CSE providers should warn youngsters off high-risk activities, including high-risk sex, instead of tacitly (or openly) encouraging them to ‘explore’ (euphemism for fornicate).
K. Secondary virginity. It is never too late to return to a healthier, holier, smarter life of chastity. Post-virgins should be encouraged to use their mistakes to become stronger people, better able to help those at a crossroad and struggling with temptation. God never wastes anything if we ask for His help.
L. Sex is for later. Marriage is the best place for sex. Sex brings together one female body with one male body: the two shall become ‘one flesh’. Sex makes babies and creates families and intergenerational ties. If they are not ready for this, they are not ready for sex.
M. Sex unites the two genders in ‘matching’ ways. For Professor J Budziszewski, in On the Meaning of Sex, ‘Men and women aren’t just different but different in corresponding ways. They are complementary opposites’. The anatomy and physiology of female and male genitalia mirror the far more foundational interdependence and unity of the sexes in monogamous love, commitment and partnership for life.
N. In relation to sexual minority youngsters: their ‘orientation’ is only part of their wider identity. They are not LGBTQ, they are Tom, Lizzie and Jack. They need to press pause on all experimentation until their brain and body are mature enough to understand what is involved and weigh the risks properly. As seen above with Matthew Grech, no one is born gay, and many can and do develop their heterosexual potential. Organisations like the IFTCC and Changed Movement are testament to this.
O. The best message yet: great, disease-free and shame-free sex is theirs for life. However, they need to press pause and grow up first, marry someone who also waited, and then remain sexually exclusive or ‘closed’.
Conclusion: moving beyond Just Say No to Smart Sex
Given historic evangelical concerns for the young, silence is culpable, especially when the kind of sexual ‘education’ being taught to our young emerges. I have deliberately chosen to minimise graphic examples, but they exist - you can contact me for proof!
As noted, adult ignorance of the actual content of even less extreme CSE has been a boon for activists keen to ‘liberate’ the young. This must change.
We have demonstrated that there are positive responses to the reasons (excuses?) given for being MIA. But regardless, if we love our kids, we have got to start engaging.
Teen sex of all kinds and with all ‘orientations’ is bad, sad and tragic, and yet most youngsters as well as adults have no idea this is the case. We long for their best, and ‘exploring sex’ now is not in their best interests.
However, youngsters need another and better narrative. We have proposed something along a Smart Sex line. It relies on informed, enlightened self-interest, public health statistics and biological and psychological truths and realities. Smart Sex can be usefully deployed in both Christian and secular spheres.
Just as smart kids now don’t smoke - they have seen the damage done to young lungs and care enough about themselves not to smoke - the same applies here with sex.
I finish with an excellent adult resource for youngsters, the K-12 Standards for Optimal Sexual Development, as well as support for young people in The Moral Revolution’s ‘Let’s Get Practical: 8 Tips for Walking Out Purity’. Also well worth a watch is ‘Gen Z Is Sexually Broken in a Way No Generation Before Was’ on the Love Questions platform.
For the Victorians their philosophy was something to the effect of, ‘We don’t break the commandments, we break ourselves on them’. Given that our young are living in a hyper-sexualised, post-Christian world, and given that RSE is now compulsory, they need the best possible strategies to enable them to keep those commandments and thrive.
Though Just Say No may have worked in the past, it cannot be automatically said to do so now. It is time to roll out a different, more effective approach: Smart Sex. Teens have done it with smoking: they can do it with sex!
Leaders, will you help?
