With Christmas fast aproaching, have you found yourself without that perfect gift for your hardworking church leader? Panic not, and look no further. We've got you covered...
1. Luminous dog collar (possibly not meant for humans)
Try this gift, which is possibly intended for canines rather than clergy, but is surely multi-purpose. Traditionally vicars wear dog-collars, and now you can give them one that lights up in the dark! They'll be safe out on those dark winter nights, and they'll literally be a beacon of light to the community. With this around their neck, your pastor could preach in the dark for dramatic, possibly terrifying effect. So many gifts get thrown away after Christmas, but this one is a lifetime investment. Seriously, you'd be barking mad to miss out.
2. The latest Apple tech
What true minister isn't a little bit obsessed with their Apple technology?
Many scoffed when the original iPad was released, some comparing the shiny tablet to the mighty stones Moses once brought down from Mount Sinai. Now, with the release of the extra-large iPad Pro, we have a device of truly biblical proportions, one your pastor could proudly wield on stage. You could even buy them two, to really complete the mighty Moses look. As they preach, you'll be thanking God that your pastor isn't stuck in the past, but is the most cutting edge of them all.
3. A head microphone
The ultimate gift for all your speaking and teaching needs. A fixed mic is limiting. A hand mic is cumbersome to carry around. Clip-on mics seem to go wrong a lot, and they're never mentioned in the Bible. Look, what your pastor really needs is a head mic, also known as the 'Britney mic'. It's both handy, and hands-free. The headset grants practically unlimited potential for running across stage and waving your arms around, and if your pastor fancies being the next Benny Hinn, all they'll need now is the dazzling white suit. The fact that these mics are frequently used by shiny dancing popstars might cause ridicule from some, but don't let such worldly thinking get in your way. Cast out the mockers, bring on the dry ice, and let your minister dance, preach and proclaim to their heart's content.
Church, does you pastor talk about 'growth' a lot? He's probably dreaming of becoming a megachurch superstar. So get him this and make his wish come true.
4. For you to go away
What your pastor would love for Christmas is probably for you to leave him or her alone. Don't be surprised if they close the Christmas service with the benediction: "Please don't come and see me after the service." They're only human after all, and that roast dinner isn't going to eat itself. Best give your pastor Boxing Day off as well, and maybe the rest of December while we're at it. Boundaries!
5. Skinny jeans and hipster glasses
Is your pastor engaging with the millennial and post-millennial generation? If not, then its probably because they're not dressed appropriately. Traditional church robes? Yuck! Sounds like 'religion' to me. No, the Church needs to be edgy and relevant, and your pastor dressed to suit. With skinny jeans and hipster glasses, he'll be inspired with confidence, and the masses will surely flock to hear his fresh, totally prophetic words. The glasses don't just give an air of 'the seasoned intellectual', but are indeed charged with rhetorical potential. Your church leader can whip them off at any moment, pause, and lean over the pulpit, right before asking:
"But what does that actually look like?"
Preach it, pastor.
