If you were going through the final stages of a terminal illness, what would you consider as most important? 'To be surrounded by people I love' was the most popular answer in a poll on the Dying Matters website. Forty percent of the survey participants considered this to be more important to them than being free from pain (37%), being at home (8%), being able to communicate (9%), having spiritual support available (3%) and having medical support readily available (3%).
It's very possible that 'to be surrounded by people I love' would rank very highly in what we would want during a time of grief or supporting someone through their final days here with us. But stepping up to support someone during such a sorrowful time can be so complex and heartbreaking that some of us put off doing it at all. However, there are some simple things that we can all say - and avoid saying - at such difficult times.
Don't say: Here if you need to talk
This puts the onus on the person who is grieving to initiate communication with you. They'll already have a lot that they're dealing with and scheduling in time to talk about their feelings is unlikely to be one of them.
Do: Free up your schedule to support them in person
Instead of simply saying that you're available, make a conscious effort to show them that you are. Don't wait for them to call you or approach you. Check in on them at regular intervals and even if you're rebuffed a few times, stick by them.
Don't say: I know what you're going through, I also lost my [insert family member]
We all experience grief at one time or another, but the circumstances differ in each case and so does the impact that it has on someone. Although comments like this are often intended to show empathy, they actually divert the attention away from the person who is suffering in the moment and put them in a position where they have to express condolences for your bereavement, even though you're at a stage where you've worked through your grief.
Do say: I'm sorry for your loss. I found this [insert suggestion] can provide comfort
Maybe there's a particular prayer or Bible verse that you found consoled or counselled you after the loss of a loved one, or maybe you really relied on the delivery of some food staples from a friend. Pop the verse or prayer in a card or pop round and drop over some essential items. Saying and doing something along these lines, as opposed to relaying the specifics of your own grief, lets them know that you actually care about them and are actively trying to help.
Don't say: Let's do something to take your mind off it
The length of the grieving period varies from individual to individual. Although it can be an painful time, grief is a part of the healing process and we shouldn't rush it for ourselves or others. Most people don't need or want distractions but the tools and support to work through it.
Do say: Is it OK if I come round tonight so we can do...?
Choose an activity that's appropriate for the individual and the stage they're at in their grief. If you know that they've been stuck in the house for a few days suggesting a walk is a good way to get them outdoors and to open up.
