My anger made me a walking, talking, ticking time bomb.
If God had shown up on my doorstep there was a distinct possibility I'd have punched his lights out.
My anger wasn't red hot and raging. More of a smouldering slow burn, built up over time, corroding my heart and soul, straining our relationship. Tick tock, tick tock. I was about to explode.
I'd lost both my mum and sister to cancer way before they were scheduled to earn their heavenly wings, and then, I was diagnosed.
Are you kidding me?
The injustice. The grief. The unknown future. My kids, what about my children? Would they be motherless by the end of the year?
Was God deaf and blind to my pain and grief? Didn't he see the heat-seeking missile of death locked in on me?
I was mad. Deep, dark, smouldering mad. Wouldn't you be?
But I had no idea what to do with the anger, how to deal with it and move on, and as long as I was angry I had no peace. At all. There wasn't room for peace with all that anger raging around.
When our world shatters and we're left merely surviving a life we never sign up for, it's easy to get angry with the Man Upstairs. He's the chap who put black holes in the cosmos (why, I have no idea) and those little luminous creatures at the bottom of the oceans (again, why?). He's the guy who parted the Red Sea and healed the blind and crippled.
Why doesn't he make it better?
Why didn't he heal my mum and Jo? Why wasn't he healing me – parting the waters drowning me?
Getting angry with God may not be something we can avoid but we can do something with our rage before it takes up residence. Our circumstances may not change, but it does take us off DEFCON 1 anger alert, and changes how we feel about them. We're more able to cope with what life's hurled our way, and feel His peace and love.
Our anger limits our ability to feel God's and keeps us from sitting in his comfort and peace.
Here's what I do to ditch the anger and grab hold of peace.
1. Lament (have a good old moan)
I've given up hiding my ugly feelings from God. He knows them anyway, is more than big enough to handle them, and never told us anger was bad. He simply told us not to sin in our anger (Eph 4:26).
When we let it all out, lamenting like a psalmist, unloading our frustrations, laying out our deepest fears, screaming questions like 'How long?' 'Why?' 'Where are you?' it's not only cathartic to get it out, but surprisingly, our venting draws him closer, rather than pushes him away.
He loves honesty and when we're truly vulnerable, laying our emotions naked before him, it's an invitation he'll never refuse.
If we hide our rage he can't calm its angry rashes or shower us with the peace we so desperately crave.
2. Remember who God is
Deep in our anger, we begin to believe rubbish about God. As I sat in the chemo chair fuming I assumed he must be off helping more spiritual Christians who pray far more than I do and don't scream at the kids on the way to church. I assumed he must be angry at me, if only I knew what I'd done.
Nonsense. All of it. Just because life sucks, it doesn't mean God does, but it's easy to believe it when life is hard and we're angry.
By repeating verses about his character we're reminded of who he is and his love for us. We begin to feel his presence right in the midst of our pain and are reassured by his promises.
Here are some of my favourites:
I am not distant and angry but am the complete expression of love (1 John 4:16). I offer you more than your earthly father ever could (Matthew 7:11). Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand (James 1:17). I am your provider and I meet all your needs (Matthew 6:31-33).
Write them on a sticky note, put them on your mirror and repeat them when you brush your teeth or pin them to the fridge. It helps the truth push away the lies.
3. Remember whose you are
As we think about who God is, it reminds us who we are: his children whom he loves (no matter what). When we know we are precious and loved, it's like solid ground under our feet as our world shakes and it's easier to handle life's explosions and find peace in the chaos.
It is my desire to lavish my love on you simply because you are my child and I am your father (1 John 3:1). I love you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore (Psalm 139: 17-18). I rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17)
God makes it pretty clear what he thinks about us and as we remember, our anger dies and his strength grows within us.
Anger with God, whether white-hot rage or the smouldering embers of fury, slowly corrodse our hearts if left unattended. It burns away our peace, consumes our joy and burns brighter and deeper the longer it lingers. It's exhausting, driving us away from the one person holding the fire extinguisher.
If you're angry with God tell him how you feel, focus on who he is, remember whose you are, and switch your anger for his peace.
Niki Hardy was diagnosed with rectal cancer and describes herself as a 'cancer thriver'. She now offers encouragement, resources and a large dollop of reality on her website, or find her on Instagram (@niki.hardy)
