In relationships, conflict is inevitable. If tackled with the right conditions and right attitude, it can actually be healthy.
We need conflict because it is the means by which we work through issues by objectively putting them into perspective.
But conflict and quarrelling are not the same thing. While healthy and well-intentioned conflict builds up, quarrelling only tears down relationships and everything it is built on. Paul urges us not to quarrel saying, "Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels." (2 Timothy 2:23 ESV)
There is, however, a fine line between quarrelling and conflict. Here are five ways we can engage in healthy conflict without this leading to harmful quarrelling.
1. Attack the Issue, Not the Person
Because a person's beliefs are not who the person is, healthy conflict takes the challenge of tackling an issue at hand. Whether that be personal finance in a marriage or a department decision at work, there is no need to attach a person to an issue at hand. Treat the issue as something laid on the table and not worn by an individual.
2. Don't Take Things Personally
No matter how well-meaning the intention of a speaker is, unless the other party makes a deliberate effort not to take any issues personally, there will be conflict. In the same way a speaker should not treat a person as the issue, listeners should not view themselves as being the issue as well. It's not about you, it's about the situation.
3. Speak in Love and Truth
Ephesians 4:15 urges us, "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ."
The truth may sometimes be inconvenient to speak, but when the true motive of the heart is love for one another and a desire to work together towards a common goal, we can find a godly direction to walk towards together and commit to that path.
4. Know When to Speak and to Listen
One of the most dangerous things in conflict that happens too often is people talking too much. The old saying goes, "People shouldn't listen to argue, but listen to understand."
James 1:19 also urges us, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."
5. Be Patient
Healthy conflict never rushes. Not all issues are resolved right away, and that's okay because things that matter take time. When dealing with healthy conflict, it's always best to take things slow and know when to defer for another time when necessary.
