As I was shopping with my young adult daughter one afternoon, she told me about an unpleasant experience she had with a former supervisor. After going home and reflecting on what she said, I found myself getting angry. Like most parents, mistreating one of my kids is a sure way to get my hackles up.
I teach an online course on forgiving others, and the message from God in this situation was pretty clear: Are you going to practise what you preach?
I needed to forgive.
All of us find ourselves needing to forgive from time to time, but how do we carry out Christ's command to let go of that anger and forgive from our hearts? What if we don't feel like it? What if we're still angry?
Here are the steps I followed:
Step 1: Focus on the anger
There's no point denying that we're angry. God knows. We can't hide it from him. Focusing on the anger gives us valuable information we can use in the forgiving process. So I focused on the anger. In this case, that was no problem. It was right there.
Step 2: Determine why you're angry
This has two parts: a. Why are you angry? b. Why do you feel the need to stay angry? In Matthew 18, Jesus shares a parable about forgiving others. In it, he compares forgiving to canceling debts. We can't cancel a debt if we don't know what it is. In addition, we need to look at why we feel the need to stay angry. Sometimes those reasons won't make logical sense, but they still feel true inside. As I processed what I was feeling, I could see that I my anger came from my desire to protect my daughter.
Step 3: Invite Jesus to open your eyes to his perspective
We can only truly forgive when God changes our hearts so we see things from his perspective. So I prayed, 'Jesus, what do I need to know?' Suddenly, it was clear. God was training my young adult daughter. He knew what he was doing. He didn't need me, in this situation, to rush in and protect her. As my perspective changed, I felt the anger inside dissipate.
NOTE: Sometimes we need to repeat Steps 1-3 several times until God clears up all of the reasons why we need to hang onto that anger.
Step 4: Forgive
This, for me, was automatic. I was no longer angry. So it was easy to forgive. (Incidentally, I did NOT feel the need to notify this supervisor that I had forgiven her. In some relationships that might be important, but in this one it was not.)
In short, we invite Jesus into the forgiving process. When we do, he is able to supernaturally change our hearts. I walked away from this encounter with the Lord feeling completely at peace. Now, several days later, I still feel zero anger when I think about the things my daughter shared.
I pray that God will give you supernatural grace to forgive as you invite Jesus into the forgiving process.
Author and speaker Dwight Clough teaches on Christian transformation and forgiving others at DwightClough.com
